Control Pad Stress Test: PlayStation 3 SIXAXIS

Whenever a new game console is released to market, one of its key features is the control pad. Consumers look at ergonomics, button layout, and even aesthetic design, in addition to functionality issues such as the Wii remote's motion-sensitive inputs. Now, after an unprecedented year-long study, Insult Swordfighting is proud to present the results of our intensive stress test of the control pads for the three major game consoles. Today: the PlayStation 3 SIXAXIS.

The Game: Devil May Cry 4

The Scenario: A final, almost tacked-on battle against a nearly defeated Savior, in which Nero must attack the Savior's right hand with a Buster (simple) and then leap and grab the Savior's left hand with the Devil Bringer at a precise moment (IMPOSSIBLE WTF).

The Stress Test: Experimenter remained seated and released the SIXAXIS in a shallow downward motion, simulating disgust and frustration. As always, it was impossible to replicate the exact force and trajectory from one test to the next. In this case, mitigating factors were the oblique angle of the throw, and the area rug that may or may not have been at the first point of impact.

Impact on Aesthetics: Devastating. The plastic pieces between the R1 and R2 buttons, and the L1 and L2 buttons, have both detached -- as has the R1 button itself. R2 and L1 are both loose. The front and back pieces of the controller's body are coming apart. In addition, the four face buttons now feel loose and lack tactile feedback.

Impact on Performance: Substantial. With the R2 button hanging by a thread, a sweeping upward motion is required to press it. The R1 button is missing entirely, and thus unusable. The L1 button has been knocked off its axis a bit, although it still works. And the PS button is stuck in the depressed position. Analog stick functions seem to work fine, as does patented SIXAXIS tilt control, insofar as patented SIXAXIS tilt control works at all.

The Verdict: Kaput. The SIXAXIS was unable to stand up to our rigorous stress test, just as its Dual Shock predecessor was when pitted against the turtle-like boss in Shadow of the Colossus. (You know, the one with all the geysers on the ground and it flips onto its back and you climb up and if you fall off while it's turning over you have to do it all again and oh my god.) A new SIXAXIS will be required to play future PS3 games.

But Insult Swordfighting Labs feels that scientific knowledge is worth the cost, as the benefit to humanity from these tests far outweighs short-term material considerations. Toward a better and more prosperous future!

Control Pad Stress Test: Xbox 360 Control Pad

Whenever a new game console is released to market, one of its key features is the control pad. Consumers look at ergonomics, button layout, and even aesthetic design, in addition to functionality issues such as the Wii remote's motion-sensitive inputs. Now, after an unprecedented year-long study, Insult Swordfighting is proud to present the results of our intensive stress test of the control pads for the three major game consoles. Today: the Xbox 360 control pad.


The Game: Lost Planet

The Scenario: Wayne, on foot, battles a foe equipped with a Vital Suit and armed with missiles. The concussion of each missile blast knocks Wayne to the ground for several seconds, while the smoke from the explosion obscures his vision. By the time he stands back up, quite often he is hit with another missile, knocked down again, and god it's just so stupid.

The Stress Test: Experimenter leapt up from his chair and released the Xbox 360 controller in a sharp downward motion, simulating disgust and frustration. The pad only traveled a short distance, due to the unforeseen presence of a desk between experimenter's release point and the floor, but as compared to the Wii remote stress test, the velocity was much higher. Researchers believe total force was approximately equal.

Impact on Aesthetics: Moderate to high. The right palm grip of the control pad initially split open, and appears to have been widening slightly ever since, with the gap now centimeters wide. As a result of this asymmetry, the control pad no longer sits flush on a level surface. Worse still, it is much less comfortable to hold.

Impact on Performance: None. In more than a year since performing the test, researchers have observed no discernable loss of function in the Xbox 360 control pad -- all the more remarkable considering its grievous exterior damage. One might have suspected, at the very least, that dust and other environmental hazards might have found their way into the delicate circuitry at the controller's heart. That has not been the case.

The Verdict: Mixed. The Xbox 360 control pad scored the highest of the three controllers, by far, on issues of performance. However, it scored substantially lower on the aesthetics scale than did the Wii remote, so it's hard to call this a total victory for Microsoft's controller. Ultimately, performance matters most, but there's no denying the hypothetical embarrassment that could be caused if someone were to come into your apartment and observe a smashed-up controller that hadn't been put there for purposes of science. Even if it still works really well.

Tomorrow: The PlayStation 3 SIXAXIS.

Control Pad Stress Test: The Wii Remote

Whenever a new game console is released to market, one of its key features is the control pad. Consumers look at ergonomics, button layout, and even aesthetic design, in addition to functionality issues such as the Wii remote's motion-sensitive inputs. Now, after an unprecedented year-long study, Insult Swordfighting is proud to present the results of our intensive stress test of the control pads for the three major game consoles. Today: the Wii remote.


The Game: The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

The Scenario: Link must escort a carriage across Hyrule, fending off attacks from creatures both land- and air-based. This sequence requires Link to control his horse, Epona, while shooting at his enemies with the Wii remote-controlled bow-and-arrow, and putting out fires on the carriage with his boomerang. Failure results in the scenario restarting.

The Stress Test: Experimenter leapt up from his chair and released the Wii remote in a sharp downward motion, simulating disgust and frustration. Although the first-generation wrist strap did break, it likely retarded the remote's acceleration. This was a variable that Insult Swordfighting Labs unfortunately did not foresee. It should also be mentioned that subsequent stress tests have failed to defeat the newer, hardier wrist strap.

Impact on Aesthetics: Hardly any. An almost imperceptible separation appeared on one side of the casing, where the front and back portions of the exterior meet. The finish was not chipped or scuffed in any way.

Impact on Performance: Mild. Since performing the test, a loose particle is audible inside the Wii remote when it is shaken vigorously or upended. For a brief span of time, the B button had a tendency to stick in the depressed position, but the problem seems to have resolved itself. No discernable impact on pointer and motion-sensing functions.

The Verdict: Unclear. As stated above, the effect of the wrist strap on the stress test is unquantifiable with current data recording techniques. Additionally, newer Wii remotes come with a thick, rubbery casing that did not factor into this test, but would likely increase its durability. Nevertheless, for something that feels in your hand like it cost six cents to make, Insult Swordfighting researchers were suitably impressed that the stress test resulted in no apparent loss of function.

Tomorrow: The Xbox 360 control pad.