Friday, December 26, 2008

Season's greetings to the douchebag who broke into my locker at the gym

Dear douchebag,

First, let me just say how impressed I am by your l33t skillz. I don't know how you were able to open my combination lock and steal my shit out of my locker. Maybe you were looking over my shoulder while I opened it, or, more likely, you know how to crack the widely used and ironically named Master locks. Hell, I don't know how you did it. I'm not a criminal. But you certainly rolled a 20 in lockpicking when setting out on your life of crime. Everything looked in order to me! Nice work.

The holidays are a season of giving, so let me say how glad I am that I unwillingly gave you my credit card, my debit card, and my driver's license, three things I certainly don't ever need, and which wouldn't completely disrupt my life if they went missing. You needed them all more than I did. Especially my ID, which has my picture on it instead of yours, and allows me to do things like buy alcohol and legally operate motor vehicles. Why I would I need to do those things at Christmastime? I had been planning to sit alone in my apartment with the lights off for a week and a half. There's no place like home for the holidays!

Speaking of which, thanks for timing your theft so perfectly -- just two days before Christmas, and not an hour before my vacation started! Sometimes we can lose sight of what's important during the holidays. Here I was, frittering away my last day of work this year tying up some loose ends at the office, and looking forward to seeing my family. I was being selfish.

You reminded me of the true spirit of Christmas when you forced me to sprint from the gym to my local bank branch, where I had to close my old accounts and open new ones. Sorry for being such a Grinch and cancelling the cards before you had a chance to use them! My heart must be two sizes too small.

Then, I had to go back to my office and find the one HR person still there -- who was, herself, about to leave for the holidays -- and find out that I will not be able to get paid on time next week, because I use direct deposit and the pay period is already over. It was just like the end of It's a Wonderful Life when Jimmy Stewart is running around screaming "Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls," except with profanity.

Truly, thank you for reminding what's important during Christmas. It's supposed to be about spending time with your family -- did you know that I only get to see them a couple times a year anymore? -- but at this year's Christmas celebrations I was able to focus on what matters: staring into space, entertaining elaborate revenge fantasies, and pretending not to feel well because I'm too ashamed to tell anybody what happened.

And thanks for making sure that when I was supposed to have a week and a half off, I'm instead going to be on the phone with human resources and payroll departments at two different companies, trying to get paid on time before rent and student loan payments are due. (Did you know I owe more than $600 a month in student loan payments? It's because I was dumb enough to go to college and try to make something of myself, when this whole time I could have been breaking into gym lockers like a latter-day Robin Hood, taking from the middle-class and giving to myself.) I'll also be sure to visit the website of every single company with which I conduct electronic business, so none of my bills bounce over the course of the next month. It's just as well: I had been planning to do fun things with my wife and my friends during vacation, like some kind of jerk.

But hey, thanks for leaving my library card in my wallet, anyway. I'd be ashamed if you tried to check out some crap like The Da Vinci Code on my account. Besides, since I can't really get to any of my money for the time being, library books will be the only entertainment I can afford! So much for snowboarding next week.

Most of all -- and this one I mean sincerely -- thanks for putting my wallet back in the wrong pants pocket when you were done rifling through it. Otherwise, I might not have realized anything was amiss for hours, or even days. Hell, I still probably wouldn't have had any reason to look in there. Think of all the thousands of dollars of fraudulent charges you could have run up during that time! Instead, I get my life knocked off its axis, and you get only the ten dollar bill you stole from me. This really worked out well for everybody.

In conclusion: merry Christmas, you douchebag, and a happy new year. I hope 2009 finds you ass-raped as literally as I feel metaphorically. Get fucked.

Your pal,



Ed Borden said...


...Sorry... My wife always tells me "At least you have all your arms and legs ?" .. But since we've never met in person and I'm not sure you have all of yours, maybe I'll pass.

Mike said...

Damn, dude, that's fucked up. Sorry to hear it, couldn't have happened to a less deserving guy.

Here's to a new year of not getting shit stolen.

Ben Abraham said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ben Abraham said...

Shit man, but what a story. This is the best piece of hate writing all year. I think my face has sunburn from the invective flowing freely off the page. Two Thumbs up.

If you ever find that guy, I think you're entitled to one free murder in your life, so use it on him. (Removed for typo- my left foot for an edit function, Blogger!)

Duncan said...

Sorry to hear, Mitch. All the best.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you know you had me up to the ass-raped bit. Seriously disappointed with these teenageresque comments from yourself.

Bryan said...


Because we're not allowed to lose our cool a bit when the most important pieces of our life get stolen, correct? We're not allowed to fly off the handle and let things get a bit juvenile, when someone does something as heartless as this. Right. I'm sure you'd be prim and proper in this situation, and wish the culprit well along his merry way after stealing your stuff.

Needless to say, sorry to hear what happened, Mitch.

Nerje said...

Two things. One: you have a totally awesome name. Wait, we have a totally awesome name. Keep it up.

Two: I put all my gear in a bag at the gym and leave it next to me while I'm pumping iron because a) I look fully intense while working out and b) if somebody is going to try and snatch it I'm usually holding something heavy enough to break them with.

Just a tip for the future I guess. I'm sorry to hear what happened, I hope your holiday season isn't completely spoiled as a result.

Mitch Krpata said...

Anonymous, if that bothers you, it's a good thing you didn't hear me immediately after it happened. I didn't know I was capable of such profanity.

Nerje, from now on I'm not even going to take my wallet with me to the gym. It just never would have occurred to me that locking my stuff up would be insufficient.

Nels Anderson said...

God, that sucks Mitch =( I prescribe removal of intestines via anus for the thief.

As an aside, I had no idea you were a snowboarder. Hopefully you'll still be able to make it out. If you're ever in Vancouver, I'd be happy to show you around Whistler (not to rub salt or anything).

Mitch Krpata said...

I don't mean to give you the impression that I'm a good snowboarder. I picked it up last year and I'm still very much a beginner. I'd love to make it out to Whistler sometime, though. That place looks amazing.

Patrick said...

Sucks. Merry [redacted] Christmas, indeed. Let me know if I can give you a hand with anything, automobile or small cash infusion related.

Anonymous said...

I bet the guy died at least in 10 horrible ways in your mind. Assuming it was a guy. Yeah, it's (not) funny how the loss of a few items can turn a man's life upside down. And the timing... you sure it's not somebody you know (and possibly hate)?

Have a nice, theft-free, 2009.

ColbyCheese said...

You strike me as a person who's new to this "victimized by petty crime" thing. Sorry to see that this has had such a profound effect on you. Hope you get over it soon.

So, stealing a wallet is appropriately punished by being "ass-raped" or "one free murder"? Wow. Talk about a lack of perspective.

I hope you folks are a little better sheltered from the cold cruel world in the future. For the sake of all of us.

Alexandra Louise. said...

hey i know how you feel, two days before christmas i and everyone i work with lost our Jobs, so we can't get another one till after christmas and there is rent and student loans to pay and it really sucks...