First, let me just say how impressed I am by your l33t skillz. I don't know how you were able to open my combination lock and steal my shit out of my locker. Maybe you were looking over my shoulder while I opened it, or, more likely, you know how to crack the widely used and ironically named Master locks. Hell, I don't know how you did it. I'm not a criminal. But you certainly rolled a 20 in lockpicking when setting out on your life of crime. Everything looked in order to me! Nice work.
The holidays are a season of giving, so let me say how glad I am that I unwillingly gave you my credit card, my debit card, and my driver's license, three things I certainly don't ever need, and which wouldn't completely disrupt my life if they went missing. You needed them all more than I did. Especially my ID, which has my picture on it instead of yours, and allows me to do things like buy alcohol and legally operate motor vehicles. Why I would I need to do those things at Christmastime? I had been planning to sit alone in my apartment with the lights off for a week and a half. There's no place like home for the holidays!
Speaking of which, thanks for timing your theft so perfectly -- just two days before Christmas, and not an hour before my vacation started! Sometimes we can lose sight of what's important during the holidays. Here I was, frittering away my last day of work this year tying up some loose ends at the office, and looking forward to seeing my family. I was being selfish.
You reminded me of the true spirit of Christmas when you forced me to sprint from the gym to my local bank branch, where I had to close my old accounts and open new ones. Sorry for being such a Grinch and cancelling the cards before you had a chance to use them! My heart must be two sizes too small.
Then, I had to go back to my office and find the one HR person still there -- who was, herself, about to leave for the holidays -- and find out that I will not be able to get paid on time next week, because I use direct deposit and the pay period is already over. It was just like the end of It's a Wonderful Life when Jimmy Stewart is running around screaming "Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls," except with profanity.
Truly, thank you for reminding what's important during Christmas. It's supposed to be about spending time with your family -- did you know that I only get to see them a couple times a year anymore? -- but at this year's Christmas celebrations I was able to focus on what matters: staring into space, entertaining elaborate revenge fantasies, and pretending not to feel well because I'm too ashamed to tell anybody what happened.
And thanks for making sure that when I was supposed to have a week and a half off, I'm instead going to be on the phone with human resources and payroll departments at two different companies, trying to get paid on time before rent and student loan payments are due. (Did you know I owe more than $600 a month in student loan payments? It's because I was dumb enough to go to college and try to make something of myself, when this whole time I could have been breaking into gym lockers like a latter-day Robin Hood, taking from the middle-class and giving to myself.) I'll also be sure to visit the website of every single company with which I conduct electronic business, so none of my bills bounce over the course of the next month. It's just as well: I had been planning to do fun things with my wife and my friends during vacation, like some kind of jerk.
But hey, thanks for leaving my library card in my wallet, anyway. I'd be ashamed if you tried to check out some crap like The Da Vinci Code on my account. Besides, since I can't really get to any of my money for the time being, library books will be the only entertainment I can afford! So much for snowboarding next week.
Most of all -- and this one I mean sincerely -- thanks for putting my wallet back in the wrong pants pocket when you were done rifling through it. Otherwise, I might not have realized anything was amiss for hours, or even days. Hell, I still probably wouldn't have had any reason to look in there. Think of all the thousands of dollars of fraudulent charges you could have run up during that time! Instead, I get my life knocked off its axis, and you get only the ten dollar bill you stole from me. This really worked out well for everybody.
In conclusion: merry Christmas, you douchebag, and a happy new year. I hope 2009 finds you ass-raped as literally as I feel metaphorically. Get fucked.