Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Gamestop.com User-Submitted Previews: Resident Evil 5

Above: The author, left, takes aim at Gamestop.com commenters.

I'm going to be honest with you: the user comments about Resident Evil 5 at Gamestop.com are a complete letdown. Nobody even mentions the racial angle. I can think of only two explanations for this. Either there aren't a bunch of mouthbreathers contributing comments, or the Gamestop web staff is moderating with extreme prejudice. Hmm, which one of those is more likely?

(As usual, typos are retained from the original.)

"A Customer" confidently predicts "The Best shotter game yet," declaring:
I think this game is the best shooter and the best resident evil game yet. It tops Naruto Ninja Storm.

Obviously, we'll need to wait for the full game to make a final judgment. But I don't see how part 5 could top my pick for the best Resident Evil game ever, Genji: Days of the Blade.

Readers often wonder whether the Gamestop.com User-Submitted Previews are an example of astroturfing. If so, "pcrcbros" isn't even trying to cover his tracks:

Hey, I can't wait to have this game. Its the best. I love the graphics, and i always buy my games at gamestop. Its the best place to buy games.

This guy is cheerier than a Labrador Retriever. I would love to have such a sunny disposition. Imagine how great life would be if you were as happy as this guy. "Oh man, I'm eating Cheerios for breakfast. I love Cheerios. Now I'm putting on some pants. These are the best things you can wear on your legs."

Not to be outdone, "Toyocelica" says all exclamation points must go:

The game graphics looks awsome!
The game play is good, it changed a little, but I like how you can now quickly change weapons and assign items to your D-pad.
Overall the game looks like its going to be great!

I played the demo and cannot wait to play the game!

I got my copy reserved!

If your a resident evil fan, this is definitely a most!

Even if your not a Resident Evil fan, you would like this action/horror game!

I picture Toyocelica typing the first line, and then leaning back in his chair, puffing on a pipe. For several minutes, he gazes out the window onto a heath. Then, a devilish half-smile forms on his face. He leans forward, hits "enter" twice -- with deliberate, forceful strokes -- and bangs out the next line. The process of creation begins anew.

"King Games Version" didn't say anything worthy of ridicule. I just wanted to give his username a shout-out.

"A Customer" unveils a twist ending you'll have to see to believe:

the controls suck. First off you have to hold down the ‘x’ button to run which does not allow you to look around while running. This makes it extremely hard to see where you’re going, especially while you are trying to run away from zombies. Second when you draw your weapon or knife you cannot move your character. This makes it difficult when you are trying to kill the zombies with your knife because you have to run up to the zombie then pull your knife out to attack which takes a second to draw it out. Hopefully when they release the full version they fix the controls, because as it stands now this is on the bottom of my list to get.
Overall great game.

Angling for a job with GamePro, I see.

"EvilAngelSora" reminds me why I started doing this in the first place:

The fact it has two players online and co-op will keep this game alive and probably get a high score, and im hoping a 10 out of 10. The weapons are nicely done and the enviorment is stunning, and giving your partner advantages over the zombies makes this heart stopper even more funner. Co-op with your friend or computer makes you use teamwork or the optional DEATH. This game throws in team work actully making both players stay near and helping eachother instead of being able to leave them. This game is certianly a NOT MISS, MUST BUY, GAME OF THE YEAR, EDITORS CHOICE, A MUST GET AN AWARD. I clap chearfully to the makers of this game. Great job Capcom.

And reminds me, too, that no joke I could make would ever top the unintentional hilarity of these commenters. Bless their hearts.


Anonymous said...

King Games Version : hilarious

Nels Anderson said...

"Co-op with your friend or computer makes you use teamwork or the optional DEATH."

I think every suggestion I give from here on out will be presented as a choice with "... or the optional DEATH" as the alternative. It simply could not be any other way.

Kirk Battle said...

I think "Overall great game" might be my favorite from this batch. I keep trying to figure out a way to spoof forum review culture and writing off a list of horrendous problems followed by "but the game is still awesome" pretty much summarizes the whole thing.

Still waiting for a review to give an 11 out of 10 though.